Hinterlands

and after

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 00:25:28 GMT

Last weekend was rough. We did the medical, and I was so nervous all day saturday, I hated not having a doctor on hand, but we made our choice.
She's good now - a little up and down, but not much. She's a tough girl.

Now we're trying to sched a followup appointment, but no one in sw ga will see her because of the matter. So, I guess we have to drive all the way back to jacksonville.

Allie

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 01:59:03 GMT

Allie's surgery was today - I'd found a lump on one of her teats. She's had the same procedure once before, removing another that was cancerous.
This also was a tumor. Should hear back from the pathologist next week.

The vets told me that if it's malignant, then this will be very bad, as a second occurrence (especially after preventative spaying) is generally very aggressive.
A friend at work asked about her and I tried to say that last sentence, but had to drop everything in my hands and walk quickly away, because I was about to cry.

She's recovering well, though the bandaging was not the greatest, and I just had to go buy supplies and redo her dressings.

Perfect and Sex Girls

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 04:19:52 GMT

Called Perfect Girl to figure out the details of the Atlanta trip. Please keep in mind that she is the one that suggested we go together. She got very vague and said she didn't know/wasn't sure/would have to let me know et cetera. I'm done with that.

I either won't be going back to the dances, or will only go if I have a date. I guess something that really bugs me about her is that she obviously gets an immense amount of pleasure from going to the dances, and (as I've already whined about ad nauseam) we have a ridiculously good time together.... but if this means so much to her, I don't see anyone else showing up month after month to spend that time with her. At this point, she could jump off a cliff for all I care.

Went to Sex Girl's birthday party last night. Spent last night and most of today together. I like her, she likes me. It's simple and nice. It's enjoyable to discover things about her. We talked and decided that since we're having sex, we're not going to see other people. I guess we'll just see what happens. So far, it's good.

Amanda Palmer and Perfect Girl

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 01:39:44 GMT

First, Perfect Girl.

We'd talked at long length about our cheat meals (we're both on diets) last Saturday night. You know, the night when we had an amazingly good time and she kept touching me and talking about the two of us as 'we' and making plans and etc etc etc.

So, I texted her yesterday to find out if she had plans for her cheat meal this week, and she replied as if she had no idea that this was a standard prelude to asking her out. I don't know, maybe she was just trying to reject me with subtlety, but that would be totally incongruous with last Saturday night, right? So, I replied, just straight-out asking her out. No reply. We'd made plans to goto Atlanta together to hit a couple of museums, etc... but asking her out for ice cream gets me a cold shoulder??!?

Whatever. I'm sick of confusion in dealing with her. As much as I like her, I just can't deal with this shit. And that's what this is - it's a waste. It's shit.

SO, I leave tomorrow to goto Gainesville, FL to see AMANDA FUCKING PALMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am completely excited and want to give her a big hug. She actually makes me feel excited about music again. Her lyrics are so touching and honest, and her songs just drag me along with them, singing at the top of my lungs ("who needs love, when there's Law and Order? who needs love, when there's Southern Comfort?").

I may ask Sex Girl to goto Fl with me, because hell, she is Sex Girl, after all. :-)

But really, I'm tired of waiting for the lightning bolt. I'm tired of being struck by said lightning bolt and, after the ecstasy of the initial shock, having to deal with the fact that all of my nerves get fried. And I don't go from girl to girl like this. Like I've said, this has happened 5 times in my entire life.

And I want it to happen again. I want to meet the one. I'm ready. But I'm so damned alone, and so damned tired of waiting.

Holy Shit, Romantic Drama is In the Air

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 03:55:25 GMT

Where do I start?

The young woman from last weekend called me. We set up a dinner date, which started as very awkward. What do you say to someone once you've been inside them, then go on a first date and don't know their last name (and barely their first)?

It went well, ended up back here for a lot more sex. I mean a LOT. As in, I haven't been with anyone since last summer, am multi-orgasmic and damn near have priapism once in flagrante. (and, I'm not bragging, but used to be quite the hedonist, and have a degree of skill with physical pleasure)

I like her, she likes me... but post-everything, a few warning flags came up, and then, as we talked more, it started becoming apparent that we have divergent tastes in general. I like her personality, but we're into very different things in life. Before I'd realized this, I'd asked her out on a second date. I'm realizing now, though, that she's looking at this as something more, and I'm not sure that I want things to progress down that road.

So... I went to the monthly ballroom dance tonight. Carey (previously known as Perfect Girl) was there. She looked stunning. In conversation, I mentioned that I'm going to a museum in Atlanta in a few weeks, and she immediately/enthusiastically said that she wanted to go with me. I was, simply, shocked.

Shocked.

She's supposed to call me next week to work out details. Through the course of conversation, it came out that she and her long-term boyfriend have permanently split.

We danced, we laughed, she kept pulling her chair closer to mine, breaking the touch barrier. There was this... strange connection as we danced, like she was really there, with me, finally. She talked about us taking dance classes together over the summer, and kept refering to us as 'we'.

I know she's dated at least one other guy since she broke up with the bf, so I'm not delusional enough to even remotely imagine that I'm any kind of grail for her... but even so, I'm still kind of in shock.

I don't know what to think, exactly, or what to do.

I'm going to try to just take things as they go with her, but damn, I don't want to blow this. (But there's also a small part of me asking if I even want to pursue her).

How the hell does everything get so damned complex and tricky so quickly?

I've lost another 3 pounds

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 20:55:40 GMT

Weighed in yesterday at 201.5 lbs, the lowest I've been in years.

Puts me somewhere btwn 12-14% body fat. There's actually a hint that I have abs now.

Next week, I kick the workouts up a few notches, so hope to burn down to and stabilize at 195 by the end of april.

I'm trying to lose the weight in a sustainable way, while at the same time building muscle. Its been rough, but I feel very positive about the lifestyle changes. If I don't get a fight this year, though, I will eventually cut down substantially on my time lifting weights, since I won't need so much power

sex is good

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 21:53:50 GMT

Was dragged out to a birthday party at a club last night.

Was there for about an hour, was re-introduced to a young woman I'd met in passing a few years ago. About ten minutes after saying hello we were making out in the vip room, and about an hour later went back to my place.

Ill be honest, I know nothing about this girl at all, except that she apparently had a crush on me n I had been oblivious before. However, I have now discovered that sex is an amazing salve for a bruised heart.

yep

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 01:32:26 GMT

I know this sounds kinda stupid, but I assess every relationship (or near miss, or whatever) to look for my contributions to that relationship's failure.
And then I try to work on whatever my issues are, so that I can evolve, and not repeat mistakes.
And, I've made a lot of mistakes.

(and this is the stupid part) I don't really believe in Fate, but I feel like every relationship has been preparing me, in a way, for the One. (you can laugh at the idea of the One, but I've had this happen five times, so far - I can't explain the feeling, but when you meet her, you just instantly know , and it's ridiculously obvious that she does, too. Shannon, Alexandria, Delilah, Carey, and Laura. 5 lightning bolts in 16 years. Is there any probability of being struck just one more time?) So that I'll be ready for her.
So that I won't have all this stupid, fucked up shit inside, so that I can be happy. So that I can make her happy.

And it's been hard - I've had to face a lot of uncomfortable things about myself... but I've grown.

So, I'm usually the first to point out my own mistakes. But I've gone back over everything, and this time... I didn't do anything wrong. I really, really didn't.

yeah...

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 02:31:34 GMT

...I don't know what the hell is going on.

so im guessing thats over.

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 01:40:21 GMT

Laura went out of town last weekend to a concert, and was meeting a friend who was flying in to see her. We were going to spend sunday night together. I didn't realize the friend was a guy.
Still, trust is the priority, and really, right now, she doesn't owe me shit.
She didn't come over. Posts about how amazing the weekend was and that she understands lady goodman's quote now (which is all about how one should never get serious about relationships, so that feelings will never get hurt and always be fun).
Text her to see if shed like to grab a drink this week, and get the 'gosh, I don't know, I'm so busy for the next weeks, I don't know ill let you know' etc.
She is busy, but last time I brought up going out she flooded me with a deluge of available dates/times.
I don't know, but this certainly feels like a vicious 180.

I've never been one to drink/use drugs as a reaction, but I'm sitting in a bar right now and 'creep' is playing and it feels fucking appropriate.
In other news, I did very well in jujitsu tonight, and strangled the guy who ripped the ligament in my elbow two weeks ago.
Sorry for all this, but I guess I need to talk and you're it.

Do we ever escape the guilt of our mothers?

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 03:14:25 GMT

If all goes well, I'll be spending my Spring Break in Florida, doing an intensive week of fight training with a Muay Thai fighter. I'm fairly certain his record is 61-7. Brutal leg kicks, a lot of straight rights. Should be hell. :-)

That is, of course, if my mom goes out of town.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I just can't tell my mom when I have a vacation. She automatically assumes that I'm coming down to see her. It's not that I don't want to see her, but I'm a 36 year old single man, working 50 hours/week, putting myself through college, and training to fight (while trying to finish a novel rewrite).

The pressure of time is constant - every night after work I'm at school, doing homework/studying, or in rigorous physical training. The majority of my weekends are spent on homework. I've got a 4.0, and I'm going to keep it that way.

So, my Spring Break is the one week in which I do not have school or work, and I want to spend it doing something I enjoy, something fun that lets me blow off some steam. If the training falls through, I'll probably spend some time in Atlanta or with friends in Florida.

But, my brother let on that I would be on vacation that week and in the town my mom lives in. She's going to expect me to stay with her etc etc etc. She doesn't understand that I'm going to be fighting 2-4 hours a day, and will need sleep and rest and a strict diet during that time. She will want to get up at 6am and guilt me into yardwork, and cook vast amounts of very heavy food (she gets deeply hurt if anyone rejects her cooking in any way).

And I just can't do it. I either need a week of violence or a week of partying with friends, but family-time just is not in my repertoire right now, and I feel like a dick for saying that.

It's not that I can't stand up to my mom, it's that she just gets so damned hurt.

Wow.

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 04:02:10 GMT

These last two weeks have been kinda crazy. I really like this girl, but it's all come so suddenly. Our first 'this is definitely not a date' was 2 1/2 weeks ago.
But we just... fit.

But there's been this whole kinda delicate terror of 'I really like her but does she like me this much? Am I about to look really stupid if I let on how amazing I think she is?'

It's like skydiving at night. Makes me wonder why we ever got away from the little notes from primary school: i like you, do you like me? Check yes or no.

Well, thought I'd give her a little space, just kinda let things go, and when she called me she called me. That was this morning.

So, she texted me this evening :-) and wanted to see me. We went to dinner and talked for about 2 hours. I like listening to her talk, and I like telling her stories, and I like making her laugh. I like dancing with her. I like a whole long list of things about Laura.

After dinner, at her car, we kissed and hugged and did the whole 'gosh, I really like you' 'gosh, I really like you, too' thing, and it was sweet and wonderful and made me levitate, just a little.

I got in my car and turned the stereo up on whatever song was on the radio. It was "Beginnings" by Chicago. Heh.

so far, everything's been going well...

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 04:34:45 GMT

...Although on some kind of crazy fastforward.

Laura's going out of town this weekend to a concert. I'd asked her if she was free for anything and she sent me a list of every day she has free for the next month (she's got rehearsals for a play).
Depending on when she gets back into town, she may come over sunday night for takeout and a movie.

It's been a nice weekend

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 00:30:10 GMT

Saturday night, we did not go to the dance in Tallahassee - tornado weather intervened. Storms got too bad, so halfway there, we turned around and came back.
Went to her place and played cards til the wee hours with M and M's boyfriend.

It was fun, though it's always weird to hang out with someone and their best friend. Injokes, shared history, etc.

Kissed goodnight.

Wasn't sure how that went over, exactly, but she woke me this morning with a text. We went to Starbucks then spent the afternoon together at a park/dam playing in the snow flurries.

bad timing, germs. bad timing.

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 02:42:29 GMT

I've got a low grade fever, and am fighting something off.

Whatever it is, needs to be over asap - have the daytrip with Laura this Saturday.

I really, really do not want to miss it - I'd kinda like this to be a date date - you know, the kind with the kiss at the end. :-)

ps

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 06:24:46 GMT

just a little side note, Laura was telling me a story about a Civil War battlefield her family'd lived close to, and I happened to know the battlefield and the tower on it... because I'd just recently read Cherie Priest's Wings to the Kingdom.

Strange.

Silent Movie :-)

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 23:47:51 GMT

Going to the movie with Laura tonight. We're meeting first at Starbucks for hot chocolate.

I still can't speak for very long or at much of a volume, because of getting choked Monday night. Most people don't understand my love of fighting (or, to sound more civilized, martial arts), even when I keep getting damaged, but I hope it doesn't bother her.

Oh, btw, just had my bodyfat measured - since the beginning of December, I've lost 9.5 lbs of fat and gained 7 pounds of muscle.

I'm pleased with that.

choked.

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:32:11 GMT

Got caught in a windpipe choke last night during a pretty aggressive roll.
It actually hurt a little, which was a bad sign - when I spar or grapple, I don't feel pain. Broken toes, severely sprained ligaments, cuts and bruises - I don't feel any of it.

So, I can talk today, if I speak very softly and not for very long. I had to call off work, because my job is to speak to a group of about 40 people for 8 hours/day.

On the plus side, this gives me a lot of time to study for my college algebra test tonight.
On the minus, swallowing is not fun.

Synecdoche, New York

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 04:41:32 GMT

Is what I was invited to see tonight, by Laura, the young woman from last night.

However, the showing was canceled, to make more room for 'Madea Goes to Hell' or whatever that fucking movie is called.

So, we went for drinks instead, and had a very good time. We left when they closed the place down, and we're going to catch the movie later this week.

I really have no expectations, but am very much enjoying her company.

the 'this is not a date' date

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 04:24:22 GMT

I just got back from the monthly ballroom dance.
Carey didn't show, and I got to hear at long length from everyone how unimpressed they are with her boyfriend, while they all kept giving me pointed looks. What the hell am I supposed to say to that?

Then, Laura arrived, a young woman to whom I'd offered to teach swing dancing. Leading up to the dance, she made it abundantly obvious that this was not a date (everything short of saying 'THIS IS NOT A DATE'), and we danced a little but mostly were completely engrossed in conversation, and seemed to get along very, very well. She's hilarious and intelligent and openly curious about the world. Time flew by - they literally closed the place around us.

I'm a little torn as to whether I should've asked her out for a drink after, but am a little hesitant because she's the roommate of someone I'd tried to date and failed (a gross discrepancy in our ages became apparent), and because of her earlier clear 'this is not a date' signals. And I do mean they were clear.

But, may see a movie with her tomorrow night. I left it in her hands - if she calls, we're going, if not, then not.

I really hate to admit this...

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 02:29:19 GMT

...but I'm developing a man-crush on Fabio from Top Chef.

I know Stefan's the best chef, but FABIO MUST WIN.

Amanda Palmer

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 23:55:23 GMT

Amanda Fucking Palmer is on tour, and come Hell or high water, I'm going to see her.
Not sure if it'll be the show in Birmingham, Al or the one in Gainesville, Fl... each is 4+ hours away, but screw it.

I wish I had someone to go with, but... there's no one.

Anyways, I'm excited - this is going to be fun

damage.

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 23:30:42 GMT

I sprained (as in: stretched and ripped) a ligament in my left elbow.
I have a pulled front deltoid on my right side.
My gimpy, herniated neck has been irritating lately.
Pulled a muscle in my back.

So, I'm skipping jujitsu tonight, and just did a light workout at the gym. Had to go to the hospital for the elbow (it made a hideously loud SNAP when it happened). They told me no bone was broken (duh), and that I'd damaged a tendon or ligament, then referred me to an othropedist. The doc spoke to me like I'd never heard of a ligament, and the ortho on call does sloppy work and is very difficult to communicate with (I know from experience - I seem to be injured more often than not), so I verified that nothing was actually snapped in half then split.

Allie and Albert: learn to jump

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 01:01:02 GMT

Valentine's Day

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 03:46:09 GMT

Valentine's Day: the one day of the year during which auto-erotica makes one feel worse.